Hello readers,
It has truly been too long. I thought that I would have been better at this. However, going to college, working two-three jobs and getting married seems to have taken up a lot of my time. This blog post I want to dedicate to a struggle that has followed my for the last five years of my life.
I have never been a tiny person, to my great disappointment on most days. I am not fat, but I am not skinny either. When I was only ten years old, I was told by a family member that I needed to lose weight so I could fit in the clothes she bought me.
I was devastated. I knew I was larger, but I hadn't thought it was anything I had done wrong until that moment. From then on, I started dieting. Whether it was granola bars or Slim Fasts, I was trying everything to lose that weight.
My parents supported my dieting, but told me I didn't need to lose weight. I didn't believe them. So I kept counting calories and dieting. I eventually joined my school's track team to help.
Everything turned for the worse one summer in high school. I visited a family member for the summer and she tried to put me in clothes that were two sizes too small. I began to think something was really, really wrong with me because once again I didn't fit in the damn clothes.
This is when I began purging. The worst part of being bulimic is that it works, and for me it was easy. I didn't have to force myself to be sick, I just could. I lost a lot of weight. I went from a size 8 to a size 4.
The down side was that I got sick all of the time. Not like sick to my stomach, but colds, flus and severe constipation. However, at the time I didn't know it was because I was killing my body. I was severely harming myself and didn't even recognize the signs, but my parents bank account did. All those doctor bills added up, and I am deeply sorry for that.
One thing I want to say, though, is God did not save me from this. He held my hand and led me to the right places. I began counseling in college and it has helped. I still struggle with bulimia, but I am much better than I was.
I believe that God was always beside me watching out for me, making sure there was always someone to help me if I ever had the courage to open my mouth and ask for help. He always provided and opportunity for me to better myself and strengthen myself. He never left my side, and he never will.
Without God, I am nothing. I would not be here if it wasn't for him. He put my husband, Ethan Sheley, in my life to keep me alive when I felt there was no purpose anymore. He gave me wonderful parents who gave me everything, and I am ever grateful to them. He gave me Amy S., the first helpful counselor who brought my to sanity. He brought me A.J. Fuhrman, who has been working very patiently with me this past year. He gave me a wonderful support system with Sarah Saenz and Owen Meyers, Shannon Fields and Samantha Potter and everyone in my family. I am so blessed.
I very easily could have died had I kept purging at the rate I had been, I believe God has a purpose for me and I intend to find and seize that purpose. I am still growing. God is still teaching me and leading me. I only hope to end up being the daughter he created me to be. I hope to make my father proud.
- If you know anyone with and eating disorder or mental illness, be kind and respectful. It's hard to understand what is going through their minds. There are times of great doubt and loss of purpose. Be supportive and listen when they are ready to talk. Sometimes, you just have to wait, and that can be the hardest part.
-If you are struggling with an eating disorder or mental illness, remember you are loved. If you don't believe in God, you have family and friends that love you. Despite what you believe, you were created for a reason. You were created to LIVE. Life will start looking up. I pray you find a support system that you may turn to when life becomes too much.
May God bless you all. Thank you for reading.
